I think if I believed in reincarnation or more in what I was taught when I was growing up.
I'd have been around for 50 lifetimes.
This is the one where I learn how to be completely independent.

So it seems
I have a feeling
and it's an odd feeling
like a hunter trapping it's prey
patient, and focussed
and such is a feeling unusual to me
and yet
I did not question it
I let it peak my curiosity
But what would come
from that simple mistake
when something is
too good to be true
it simply is that.

Multitasking is:

Walking down the street
Taking off my uniform (hat, apron, chef coat pulled over my head
Keeping bag in hand and putting uniform in it
Lighting a smoke
Keeping headphones in

All at the same time.

I think it was the botchelism apple I ate, but who knows.
I should probably stop using myself as a test subject for food stuffs and their edibility.
Found a woman who can sign my papers to get the red seal
Made me real happy
Mike's back, also happy

I wish so bad sometimes that I could have a friend I could tell everything to, someone who knew the complexities of my life

So the world is fucked, and instead of trying to fix it I'm just coming up with when it happens plans.

you know things are fucked when people can get away with lawsuits that are in and of themselves unjust

People can't take that they're stupid
our society allows for stupid people unfortunately.

so with my back up plan, I want to just live, and be as free as I can be.

Girl met boy
girl liked boy
girl gave boy love rash
boy wrote song
all laughed

I dont wven have the words for last week and a half. I just, I can't do anything but shake my head in amazement.

I tried arguing with Pi the other day but he was completely irrational!

2.

I found you in him
I don't know what I'm looking at, I just know what it is
The comedian was right
It is all a big joke, but I dont find it funny yet
Maybe that comes with age
I'm sure the 50+ see the humour
Or maybe that's insensitive.
I don't know, I never really think about being sensitive.
Things are or aren't. Cut the crap, and the grey dissapears.
But that changes nothing.
Not the hole.
Not the dark.
Not the irrevocable cruelty in the world.
Sacrifice intelligence
bask in ignorance
get nowhere
Learn and know
life in isolation
get nowhere
There's no difference
So, if every path is the same,
There is no right path to take.

Two things

1.

I've found in life that two things are very true:
People get angry when they're scared.
People get scared when their faced with the truth.

which explains why people get so angry when faced with the truth of things. I happen to like the truth, for instance:

The only one in my head is me.
I've got an Andy Kauffman sence of humour.

Which presents a bit of a problem. Something I've had a lot of time to think about at work today, as a person with no battery in her mp3 player would in a room full of people listening to their music.
The problem is that my mind doesn't work the same way that most peoples do. I sometimes, often, wonder if it's dislexia, or if it's schitzophrenia. Whatever it is it causes the impossible problem of other people not getting the way my head works, and me not getting them in turn. Either way, or neither at all, it sure does help me understand why it's so hard for me to explain things to people, or teach people.
The closest thing I've found so far to the way I think and make connections is like some of those gifted people who've had the kind of brain trauma that makes most people retarded (political correct error) but somehow manages to make these people more interesting. Like the guy who sees numbers as landscapes and can remember enough of the length of Pie to make my brain hurt.
I'm not gifted, that's not what I'm saying....but i did suffer head trauma as a child, and I wonder if the reason I don't think along the same path as most people is because of it. Sometimes I do see numbers, but not like that guy, for me, when I'm making connections it's a visual, like a puzzle piece being put together, especially when it comes to math.
The connections I make in my head are simply absurd to other people, but we come to the same conclusion.
My radical ideas are usually discounted, which is probably why I dont bother much with them anymore, to the sacrifice of my creativity.

I have no answer. I dont expect anyone to understand something I can't explain myself.

Past Prognosis: I'm fucked.

Present Prognosis: We're all fucked, and no one gives a damn.

Future Prognosis: Damn.

I dont work with a single certified chef. In the entire building. At all.
I can't get my apprenticeship at Moxies, or be credited for anything there (probably a good thing considering this keeps me from being lazy)
Luke, why'd you do it?
My roomate at Pizza Pizza is currently to my knowledge making more than I am per hour.
The girl who just got hired, an art grad with cafeteria experience who started a week and a half ago, is also making more than me.

I want to figure out how to play the game to my advantage.

"Brand New Low"

Over and over I keep wondering why
Then I give up and see that look in your eyes
Cause if I trip and fall,
I'll be to blame
And if I hit the wall,
I'll still be the same
Wasting your time with your so called friends
The ones you adore and the ones you pretend
And it's kind of sad and deranged
But it's not so bad that it can't be explained

Cause in my mind
It's all a waste of time
And there's no excuse at all
Then I realize, surprise
You were right all along

And I want to know
Have I gone too far
Have I sunk to a brand new low
And I want to know
If I've gone too far
Cause I've lost all my self control

Guilty as charged
I've been convicted and tried
Was it too much to ask for you to take my side
Cause there's nothing here left to defend
When it's always me
That you blame in the end

Cause in my mind it's the perfect crime
And there's no excuse at all when I realize
Surprise you were right all along

Nothing is what it seems,
To me you're sleeping without the dreams
Without you, nothing defines me

When I'm slipping away
It's only you that can find me
and I'm over my head again
I'm falling from end to end




I hate this song, because it fits so well, and what makes it fit, makes me angry.

I've always wondered what would happen if my breakfast got up and started dancing....mmm bacon

http://www.best4web.ch/fun/bacon_n_eggs.html

It's always interesting for me to be on Dundas, whether it be the bus or walking, and see someone who looks like a skeleton.
Now, the first thing I think, and what I thought today about skeletor on the bus is this:
It's amazing to see people and know, if they hadn't taken that big jump in their teen years to make a profession of crackhead/prostitute they'd be really pretty and probably successful.
These little reminders are confirmation I made the right choice lol

Ok people.
Everyone back into your homes, there's nothing to see here, all is right in the world, and you can sleep soundly.
Go back to the warm comfort of your home, be with your family and be happy.
Because you should be happy, the world is wonderful.
Wonderfully chaotic. Deus es machina.
Be safe and be well, and know you are loved.
Find what makes you happy
and be free.
 

So, this week:
I was going to be late for work. I missed my bus and walked to Oxford where I accidentally got on the wrong bus (it was early, ok?) figuring I'd just walk down Richmond I proceeded to do so....and then there was a train moving slowly. Then the train stopped altogether. It was a flatbead and I began examining it after about 5 minutes. I wandered to the other side of Sammies, gaged the distance, and hopped on over. Syonara suckas.

Sunday I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up I had no idea where I was. The bus had stalled, and that was the reason I woke...it had been sitting idle for some time.

Tuesday my cat thought it was a good idea to jump off the balcony. We figured this out when we couldn't find her for oh, 4 hours or so. She hid under the cushon of my land lady's deck chair on the first floor. We're on the 5th.
On the way to school I saw the perfect makings for a porno. A yellow School bus was waiting for the light to change beside my bus. It was (no word of a lie) full of asians, and only one was female.

Tonight, I stabbed myself in the hand, but I'm not sure I cut myself, it stings but doesn't bleed (though the area I stabbed should) I wonder if there's no blood left in my hands.
I was taking off my uniform and my nose stud unexpectedly jumped out. It's small, metal, and made no sound as it hit the dimly lit floor of the dead space (what we call our storage/furnace room) After spending a few minutes trying to find it, I then spent a few more minutes trying to find something that would work until I got home to a replacement. I found what looked like a joint spring, sanitized it, and put it in my nose. I went to put my shoes on, and found the stud.

Normal week...well, for me.

I woke up 10 am Monday Feb 9th. It's now 10:30 Tuesday Feb 10th. I haven't slept.

Today, singlehandedly has been one of the most f'd up....actually shit, this all started back on Thursday...

So I woke up at 7am when my lab started and swore loudly. It was a group lab, and I let (I didn't find this out until later) two groups down. I sent an apology to Nancy who's group I'd said I'd be in. Her and I work well together, and we'd worked things out so they'd be all prim and proper the next day.

Friday I wandered in for Stoves and the first thing Drew said to me was that people yesterday had said there wouldn't be a problem with the lab, I'd be there to save the day and then I wasn't. Stoves was interesting. From working Thrsday night and the fight Josh and I got in on friday, I was more or less unenthusiastic, even if all I had to do was Gala Prep, just like the rest of my group (which compared to most nights, is just plain easy)

Saturday morning was work, and an interesting day. Jen had the weekend off because her grandma's ill, and Rochelle had worked a double for her to make up for it. Saturday was a day with loads to do and the usual bullsh when Stevie G's not around. I couldn't go to Gala that night because I didn't get off in time to be of use. Rochelle left early, after helping me by doing only the easy things off my list.

Sunday was worse. I got off work, after realising that Leeanne had done little to nothing worthwhile the night before (when she was covering for Jen) Thus screwing the rest of us, which consisted of Joel Chris and I. Spencer had called in sick, which is code for hung over. He didn't even call. We found out from Jeff, who he'd been drinking with the night before. I stayed as long as I could and felt bad even when I left Chris after working a 10 hour shift.

Monday I didn't go to school. I had a breakdown the night before, and spent the day cleaning. I had switched Stoves with Joy so I only had one class, which I regulairly go to. Josh and I watched movies, and I couldn't sleep.

Today I heard the alarm at 6:30 am, and my tired eyes figured I might as well go to school because I wasn't asleep still. I chugged a coffee and got myself ready, taking some time about it unlike most mornings (I got compliments) Talking to Jess, she told me Chris didn't end up leaving until about 12am, and that was after line had closed and people had come back down to help him. I got a lot of compliments about my appearance, and a lot of people asked if I was drunk, because I was so tired. I'd planned on going home after the costing test to sleep for a bit after stoves, because the management course had been cancelled due to the job fair (and an assignment involving it) The douche that teaches costing kept us long enough that I couldn't go home, so I went to outback with Patience and a few friends and while they drank beer I drank coffee. Went to stoves and I worked the first official line section I've ever worked, and besides a few hitches, I pulled it off nicely. I worked with an older woman named Tammy, and we worked very well as a team. It was fun being in a different group for once (as most of the time I'm in the kitchen scene with the same people more or less)
Oh, I forgot the series of WTF's I got while walking up the stairs to my seat in Demo. First was Andrew, with Where were you instead of at Gala? The Nancy's Where were you instead of Lab? then Drew's Thanks a lot for leaving me with Joy you jerk.
And that Patience had to carry me to costing.
I had a good day all in all, even though I probably wont remember any of it tomorrow. Seeing as I'm as tired as I am.
Today I had 8 coffees (technically more, if you count an actual cup of coffee, I probably had more like 11-15) I did well in what I was doing, and didn't stress much, or get upset or flustered. It was kinda nice.

Before I forget:

Matt, I'm sorry if you killed yourself. I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough to let you be able to trust me. I'm sorry for the hurt in the world, and I'm sorry you're so alone. I wish very much I hadn't been so creeped out by you and I wish you the best.

Ok, so Chris sang 'Doncha put it in your mouth' and that jogged something in my memory, he wouldn't tell me where it was from and I couldn't remember for the life of me. I just stumbled on this tonight:

http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1351/

Anyone else remember this commercial from when you were younger? I saw it enough times that it's etched in my brain. Can't say it worked either, I keep putting things in my mouth..